The DeNiro Effect

Robert DeNiro is probably my favorite actor. Swayze and Van Damme are right up there, too. Unlike those other guys, however, DeNiro’s IMDB is full of quality movies. No matter the role, he’s always a bad ass, whether it’s a mob movie (Goodfellas, Godfather or Casino), action flick (Heat), or just a plain, great movie (Sleepers, Midnight Run or Meet the Parents).

Now, what does DeNiro have to do with my upcoming knee surgery? Well, DeNiro was a master at transforming his body for movies roles, and I’m about to experience my own transformation, though mine will be unintentional.

DeNiro’s greatest performance, I think, was in Raging Bull, the story about boxer Jake LaMotta which earned DeNiro an Oscar. In Raging Bull, DeNiro hit both ends of the weight spectrum, getting shredded to play the heavyweight champ in his prime, and then gaining 60 pounds to play the elderly Jake LaMotta.

I’m in the midst of my own roller coaster weight gain/loss. Thankfully, my swings aren’t as extreme as DeNiro’s. At least not yet. If I gained 60 pounds, I might be eligible for The Biggest Loser. I couldn’t handle that. Something about really large people in skivvies standing on oversized scales seems wrong. Or Dutch. That might be normal for them.

While weight gain might seem a bit trivial -- or vain -- considering the severity of the surgery, I’m legitimately worried about looking like a 70-year old Jake LaMotta next summer. I realize that once my knee heals I should be able to lose any weight gained, but for some reason I’m almost as worried about how fat I’m gonna get from inactivity as I am about the grueling rehab process. I don’t know why I feel that way. I just do. And yes, I recognize I sound like a 15-year old girl. But my blog readers deserve nothing less than my un-filtered emotions.

Since I re-injured my knee this summer, my weight’s swung 5-10 lbs several times. After first injuring my knee, I couldn’t exercise for a few weeks because the back of my knee swelled up like Barry Bonds’ noggin. Add 5 pounds. After the swelling subsided, I decided to have surgery, but postponed it for a few months. I decided to get in the best possible shape pre-surgery. Plus, I wanted to get my body “bikini-ready” for my October vacation to Maui. I realized most beachgoers would be staring at my wife, not me, but I still have pride. Besides, you never know when the paparazzi might be lurking.

Over the next 2 months, I ate extremely healthy. You know what? Eating right is 100x more important for getting in shape than lifting weights or doing cardio. Had I known that I never would’ve eaten all those chicken patties back in high school. I single-handedly kept Tyson’s in business. Anyway, 12 pounds disappeared. I didn’t win any bodybuilding competitions, but I trimmed up considerably. I joked that instead of 6-pack abs, I had a 2-pack. I’m not going to lie: In Maui, women swooned when I took off my shirt. I kept waiting for the shirtless beach photos to show up in The Enquirer, but no such luck.

I came back from vacation feeling bloated; that happens when you gorge on nothing but burgers, beer and ice cream for 1 week. Add 5 pounds. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to drop those pounds right away. After we returned from Maui, I went out of town twice, and my eating and workout schedule always gets jacked up when I travel. And then it was time for Part One of the ACI surgery.

Arthroscopic surgery really isn’t that big of a deal. After all, pro football players routinely play a week or 2 after getting scoped. But I’m not a pro athlete. Frankly, I’m not even a true professional. I mean, I work for the government. Anyway, I hardly exercised for the next 3 weeks while my knee healed. Add 5 more pounds. But the great thing about eating right is that once you’ve done it, your body quickly recaptures the virtues of eating veggies and grilled chicken. It’s like riding a bike. After a week or 2 of eating right and exercising again, I’m back to my Maui weight, though my abs lost half of my 2-pack. I guess I’m sporting a 1-pack now.

I’ve got 3 or 4 weeks to reclaim that 1-pack. But I’m not stopping there. In fact, I plan on carrying over this attitude to rehab, and there’s nothing more hardcore than showing up for PT with your face painted. If I fail, I might be the first contestant on The Biggest Loser who’s “before” picture was half-red, half-black.