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Irony: When good news from the orthopedic surgeon means another surgery.

Jim’s Bionic Knee has been radio silent for the past year. Just like that really old lady in Titanic, it’s time to break my silence.

I’m going under the knife again.

But this time, that’s a good thing. Let me explain.

As I described in previous blog entries, my tibia never fully healed. No particular reason; just bad luck. Well, unless you count my total rejection of milk. Those milk mustache ads always creeped me out.

Because the bone never completely filled in – the doctors described my leg as a poor welding job – I was unable to have the 2 screws removed. Over time, I simply lived with 2 pieces of metal poking out almost entirely from my shin. Frustrating? Sure, but at least I never set off the airport metal detectors.

Eventually, the random twinges of discomfort grew more regular. Nothing too terrible, mind you, but enough that I constantly thought of my leg. After playing soccer a bit more vigorously than usual with my 10-year olds, the “twinge” grew into something closer to “holy mother of god, these screws really f*cking hurt.” One week of regular icing reduced the pain to Defcon Twinge, but I wondered how I was going to survive another 50 years with the screws intact.

And that lead me back to Dr. Scheinberg.

Brief intermission:

Just like last year, we drove to Chicago over Spring Break. Road Trip! The 15-hour drive seemed shorter this year, so I guess that means things are getting better/easier with the kids. Look out Griswalds! Anyway, here are some random observations from the 900-mile journey:

I learned the answer to the question bugging America – What do people in Atoka, OK do on a Friday night? You got it. Party at the Love’s Gas Station. That place was jumpin’.

Unfortunately, I never learned the answer to another pressing question -- Why does every rural Oklahoma town need its own “alternate” business route off the highway? I didn’t realize that a single Grandpa Abel’s Pie Diner counts as a financial district.

Finally, we passed a mule trading post. First thought? What the hell is a mule trading post? After applying some common sense – I guess people barter with their mules here – I was admittedly astonished that the mule trading post concept survived beyond 1870. But I was nonetheless happy to learn of their continued existence. And then I wondered, what could my wife fetch? A quality set of knives? Hmm. I’d accept nothing less than Ginsu.

Ok, back to the knee surgery.

When I last visited with Scheinberg, he actually thought the screws probably could come out, even without the bone being fully healed. I think he said something like, “if your leg’s held up this long, you’re probably fine.” But his use of the word, “probably,” scared me.

This time, the x-rays revealed that most of the bone had filled in. Great news. Another Festivus Miracle! Hallelujah, sweet Baby Jesus, watching his Baby Einstein developmental videos. The leg wasn’t 100%, but pretty darn close.  Scheinberg had no reservations about removing the screws. He didn’t even use the word, "probably." And just like that, I decided to get cut open for the 6th time in my life (4 prior knee operations and 1 shoulder reconstruction).

Of course, no surgery is without risk, and this one is no different. It’s possible that the bones are slightly unstable, and thus the screws still are needed to hold everything together. If so, Scheinberg would replace the existing screws with a “flat-head” version so they won’t bulge out (that’s what she said!). He plans to poke a few holes in the surrounding bone areas to stimulate extra growth from the blood, too.

If all goes as expected, the surgery will last 15 minutes, and I’ll be home a few hours after arrival. Scheinberg doesn’t think I’ll need crutches afterward, though he’ll probably limit my activity for about 2 weeks (ie, no exercising). And yes, I'm keeping the screws. I plan to display them in a jar, hopefully still covered in blood, atop the fireplace mantle. Not even the Stanley Cup could rival the screws for conversation starters.

A few more Road Trip observations:

I learned you should never drive into smoke. I mean, that’s what the highway sign said. Good to know.

The roadside gas station casino in Chochtaw, OK was packed at 9am.

Honestly, there’s nothing more arousing than the multi-flavor condoms inside the rest stop men's rooms. Next time, I’m road-tripping without the kids.

And finally, I can say with complete confidence that Smokey and the Bandit is always checked out at Blockbusters across Oklahoma. I wish I could borrow Netflix's algorithm to confirm the exact location of everybody who rents Smokey and the Bandit.

So that’s my update. Just over a year since the last blog entry. The surgery is scheduled next month. I promise not to wait another year to post again. Meanwhile, I’d like to hear how some of my fellow knee patients are doing, including some of my followers I haven’t heard from in awhile. I also appreciated and enjoyed the email exchanges over the past few months with several folks who found my blog after googling, “ACI knee surgery rehab.” Keep in touch. And go Mavs.